The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
