So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
