Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
