I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
