there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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