Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
