i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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