I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
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