i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
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Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
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