Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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