Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
