I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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