When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
