remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
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