I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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