the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
