does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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