I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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