in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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