I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
