I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
