Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
