I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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