Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
