Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
