I cockslap morals
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
