I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
