I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
