Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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