I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
