I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
