I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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