The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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