Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
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