Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
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