When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
