Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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