yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
