She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
