So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
