just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
