how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
