Who wears a wallet chain?!
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
