When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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