Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
