I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
