Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
