So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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