Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
That's how pantless uber rides happen
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
