I think I won the penis lottery.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
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