I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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