420 ftw
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
