You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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