did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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