So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
