Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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