3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Where is the hickey?
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
