MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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