This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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