Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
