I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
